Life in US

coming to US was my decision that mom n dad supported unconditionally... they didnt have to but they trusted me to go ahead n get wat i thought i was looking for.. mom tried to warn me and she was practically rite.. but i knew y i was coming here.. didnt know how i'd adapt to it but knew tht i had to once.. break thru a shell n come here so tht i cud meet me for once... n honestly, i havent yet .. met me.. i m still not here. i thought i'd be with me here but no.. here, i m with a lot of the perceptions of me, a lot of expectations of me, lot more than wat i had come across back home. i dont have to be with these ppl but i do bcz i tell myself i m in a society. i dont wanna say 'yes' to several things i say yes to. i dont wanna be with certain ppl i be with. i dont wanna be stuck up with some things or ppl i m stuck up to. n i know i can break thru, but two things stop me. the fear of uncertainty n secondly, n more importantly, the fear of hurting someone i dont want to. its just one step to be free but then i dont know wat i'd be left with.

sometimes i hate these idiotic motivating sayings tht are supposed to inspire u to do stuff. bcz though they sound all right and apt, they turn u towards doing wat is "ideal and expected" insstead of wat is from ur heart n soul. we dont listen to our heart n soul ever under the excuse of surviving in the society.. i have a wild side to myself tht i constantly suppress bcz i worry wat the ppl around me r going to think or say abt me.

i came here to live life on my terms.. yeah rite.. i m doing the rite opposite.. n u bet, we all will all our lives for some stupid opinions tht might transiently bother us or not.

i love sitting in my library.. i m on my own here n wat ever i do here is nobody's business. nobody's poking nose drops in!!

My mind

i miss Dhara... i miss her a lot... she was like a part of my soul, still is ... to be honest i have had friends who have done a lot for me than she did or loved me more. taken care of me more... but hten somehow, love is something tht sees no reason or logic. i just loved her way too much to let her go, even from my mind.. i know i have begun to learn to live without her but hte thing is that she just springs up in my head once in a while n then i wonder y i even let her go or y she let go of me.. we were just the most amazing friends together n i havent loved someone so much other than mom n dad.. i miss her, i so do. i loved talking to her, doing things for her, listening to her, taking her to long drives, eating ice cream with her, going shopping with her. every possibel girl thing. may be i just got too indulgent when she gotinto her relationships. i was too possessive, i guess. n i certainly dont think its justified on my part but i also dont think tht it was a reason good enuf to end it all. i thought i really stood by her thru things n tht i was as indispensable for her as she was or is for me!!! never have found someone as close with whom i can experience tht comfort, love or care!! i guess its all from the mind, choices we make but something tht we shared makes her irreplaceable for me!!! wonder y we let go!!!