???

When will i ever find what i m truly looking for? will the search never end? will i never feel that i m finally moving towards it? will i always feel that i have in my hand what has been bestowed upon me? m i lost? m i even supposed to be in a direction where i m supposed to want something meant for me n actually get it? wat is that feeling? y can ti accept things the way they are? y cant i value the love beauty n grace that god bestows on me n be happy with it? y do i have an urge for this search? y do i have this never dying curiosity within me? m i supposed to leave everything n follow my heart in the direction of that search? or m i supposed to continue my lovable peaceful life n always onder in my head wat i have been yearning for? m i supposed to break a shell n step out of it or m i just suffering from a unnecessary feeling of discontent? i dont even know anymore wat to believe n who to listen to!!

internal adventures

As time passes and as experiences establish, I m becoming stronger on the inside but i m also going through an involution. I wanna say things but not to everyone anymore, sometimes not to even those that i know i can say these things to . i am afraid and scared of being misjudged and hurt. i am observing my pattern. i m ok with ppl seeing my happy side but the moment my unhappy side comes in i push ppl away n then i wonder how come i dont have anyone then. but its because i dont let anyone be then. i dont understand me ....

i cant live without ppl. i m afraid of losing them. i think too much. i do less when i know i should be doing more. i dont talk to the ppl i love n care for as often as i should eventhough i know i want to. i m a contrast into myself. i dont do anything i want to and do everything i dont want to. soemday i'll resolve the internal conflict and may be then i'll board on to a new set of internal adventure. looking forward to that!!!

i read

i read these thousands of things ppl write... their opinions, their interpretations, their research or watever it is... none of it is real. if we at some point assume that all matter is a manifestation of the thoughts possessed by humans and/ or other thinking creatures on the planet, then i m compelled to believe that all that really exists is "NOTHING"! n the rest of all that does not satisfy the domain of being "nothing" is a manifestation of thought, n hence, changeable- bcz thoughts constantly change as well as unreal- bcz thoughts are derivatives of events that we think occurred- but wat caused those event to occur was also a consequence of the thoughts.

there possibly could be a huge thinking consciousness that could be regarded as responsible for the mega manifestation of the gigantic universe.

but then wat is to it. we always look for sense or logic or understanding in what we do.. but is there any need of such am approach. y r things attempted to be understood. y dont we enjoy them just as they r, just the way they r in perception- although perception through the physical human senses is a directive towards perceptive thought n additional manifestation.

so if we sit silent, not only on the outside, but also on the inside, n just "be" without placing forward any intent of understanding, judgement or evaluation, we would be in proximity with the nothingness that the universe is comprised of n that would be the absolute reality, the only existent reality. we would be able to free ourselves from the meaning less banter that we fill ourselves with, incessantly, n for once be able to experience that nothingness- that wholeness- that oneness with the phenomenon we call the universe.

its an amazing feeling to be a part of this damsel beauty called universe- bcz it cud still be a multiverse- it has infinite layers to it- it has a mystery that is too obvious to be resolved n to obvious to not be missed!!