What my books never told me....

.... is that - "broken hearts are better than mended ones"... bcz the mended ones look up to life with hopes n expectations and the broken hearts know the truth- there's nothing to look forward to- life's a circle... its just gonna go round n round n we just wont realise....

i hate loosing friends.... n i guess i just cant stop doing that... they all just have to go away... some move, some get busy, some move on... everything...

why do we have to let these wonderful ppl go... for me, my biggest treasure is my people... but i guess i just get a li'l too attached to be able to let go.. n then it hurts....

sometimes it feels better to be numb n not feel at all... bcz someone said it right- Expectations Hurt!!!

i m tired of the fake laughs n the make to do happiness.... i want real friends in life n cant let go of the very few ones i have...

i know they are always there... a call away or at times a doorbell away.... but its just not the same as sipping coffee having those stupid meaningless conversations or having fun doing silly things together... bunking classes for a hot cup of kitli chai.... dancing silly at dumb songs... making stupid faces n so much more...

i know i dont lose any friends.... but i lose time with them... n that loss is unremittable...

"Love You from all my heart"- to all the ppl i called "friend"- bcz that word defines one of the most the beautiful relationship i have ever had....

When fighting with all your might is just not enuf!!!

I grew up being a fighter!!!

Not a ring fighter or a warrior but i was just the "non-violent" but super determined fighter in life- and by that i mean.. i never learnt to give up!!! if i wanted something with all my heart, n i always wanted things with all my heart... never knew what being half-hearted was all about... so when i wanted something, i would just not give up.. i would fight till the last breath.. fall n stand again.. break myself n heal back.. but not give up....

in kindergarden, my report read - "this girl demonstrates amazing perseverance" - i understood the meaning of the word may be ten years later but still had it in me when i could barely speak right...

my fav teacher at school hugged me hard when i ranked in the class - bcz she always said she saw this fire in me... she'd smile at me with pride.....

my prof at clg awarded me once, just for my "killer instinct"...

my mom would instill that belief in me that i could make it... just by saying that she knew i could make it...

how strong n how long was all that meant to be???

is it worth having the killer instinct??? do i still have it in me to go ahead n fetch every inch of my dream??? does it ignite me inside out? does it burn me to see me where i m n not where i want to be??? or did i learn to take life with a pinch of salt???

i m yet to find out...

when i left home to be a part of this world, everyone told me that its gonna be a struggle.... u are too soft to take it... n i was sure i was going out there.... just to face it!!!

m i still too soft to bear it all??? have i grown n m growing to be a part of it??? i m still to find out!!

i have made decisions- right or wrong is not an objective of interest to me... i m happy i just refused to stand there n watch.. n i have been at the stands watching too a lot of times.. i have had a share of both.. but has that led me to a goal or just led me off track.. i m yet to find out!!!

all i know deep in my heart is that God loves me n he's always there with me... n wherever he leads me i'll walk with him... bcz when u walk with DAD, u dont c where the road leads.... all that matters is that u have the most beautiful time with him...

so does it matter where life leads me.. i dont know but m i willing to make the most of every moment, no matter what!!! YES, certainly... n that is definitely something i have learnt after stepping into life!!!

I wonder...

i wonder why i came here... what made me think i was supposed to???

i was very happy comfortable in my shell back home, with all that i could have ever needed... my mom was right... i should have listened to her... stayed back n done what she thought was right for me....

but no, i had to think my own way- naive n stupid... "i'll do something great!!" yeah rite sure!!! go ahead, drown yourself...

when i read abt ppl n their accomplishments, even small ones, its a matter of envy but more so it adds my respect for them...

tonnes of ppl with no resources are driven enuf to make an everest out of a cube of ice... n me... they gave me the alps n i thought i'd make the everest n right now i c myself holding a cube of ice, n even that seems to be melting away...

ppl keep telling em i m wasting time/life.. but i dont listen.. i just want to enjoy.. each moment... sure y not??? wat else is the purpose of life.. but then wat i leave myself with is a purposeless future....

i cant give up bcz its not in my software... i wont withstand it.. bcz i m very flexible... i'll mold accordingly... but whether i'll be the ant/ the spider.. who doesnot give up n gains it all.. or whether i'll be the grasshopper... who hops around joyously forgetting all future n past, everhappy but in the winter dies of starvation...

i wont say time will tell... bcz it hardly has time to stop n tell... i'll say i dont know... n to be honest, i know that i will never know...

we will live like lab rats live in cages n be subject to experiments of all sorts... n just die when we are supposed to... n then one point or another thru that life we feel "i have accomplished!!" Rats feeling accomplishment in the lab.. sure!!! y not???

we just take birth n then after a while we die... all in the middle is just mere TIME PASS!!! dont know if its meant to be enjoyed by doing what u want to or what u think u should do... n if both are the same, i guess you found a good time pass!!

Back home & Wondering...

As i am here, back home, from the ten month long hiatus, mom asks me to go thru the stuff i left behind and get rid of everything i possibly wont need!!! she's always wanted to throw the clutter away but my covetous innocence in front of dad would lay a defense mom would find impossible to conquer!!

but now, once n for all, she gets to have things her way!!

so as i go thru my old stuff, with the beautiful reminiscences that they ignite, also comes a thought in the back of my mind - i would love to give this all away to kids, but where would i find them n would they like any of it? so i talk to shankar bhai, our housekeeper, if he knew any underprivileged , deprived children and in spite of willingness to help, he is pretty unsure where to look for such kids. i understand his situation, he is as asocial as i m.

so then i wonder if mom could take it to her govt hospital campus n give it to the children of her poor patients. she has done that so many times before, whether its her own things, dad's or mine!! she loves giving.. may be where me n dad got it from!!

she'd give away stuff to street children, children at the crossings, at the slums, at her hospital.. everywhere!!

n i wonder, now, that wat if wat she gave away was never used n just stayed there in a kids drawer or was just a part of the trash bin? then wudnt it be an injustice to the possible privilege of any other child who might have probably adored it?

but, to be honest, there are two things that dont stop making their way thru my head- one is that if we are here to give, then its for us to just 'give'; who are we to decided anyone's worthiness of deserving!!!

When did the sun, river, sea, wind, light, rain, land ever give out of worthiness- they said take wat u like- give wat u like, if u like!! how unconditional!!! the nature loves us and cares for us so unconditionally... n wat we do is- calculate, evaluate, judge, take, steal, snatch!! why n for wat???

wat of tht are we going to take away? wat did our ancestors take away with them, except the goodness in their heart??? why do we always save like rats and be selfish about!!! why cnt we ever regard another human as much a human as ourselves??? why do we have to categorise that person, put him on the ladder somewhere, higher or lower???

the other thing that made it thru my head was that - i feel immensely fortunate to be blessed with everything i have been!!! my parents, friends, relatives, bringing up, luxuries, childhood, education, experiences, teachers... every thing has been so blessed!!! so divine!! if i were outside me, there is no way i cudnt see that Divine hand in wat i have had, who i have been n wat i have become!!! i m not sure how much of it i have deserved.. how much of it i have worked for...

but one thing i know for sure that it has all been a part of my life bcz of God's love n the generosity of ppl who have been a part of my life!!!

Hence, i decided to give... give unconditionally.. without a thought of whether it'll reach the one who deserves it or not- for that, is a part of God's duty n discretion, n0t mine!!!

Why?

Why do people think they can walk all over you n hurt u n u'd still not say a word? why do ppl give in n not fight for wats their's for real? why dont ppl believe in themselves? y r v so dependent on others? y do we refuse to acknowledge wats best for us n y do we not be straight with ourselves and y do we no tgo ahead n do wats best for us rather than wats likeable for others? how long do others stay in our lives n how long do we stay in ourselves? then how much shud others matter n how much shud we? it is so important to prioritize n even more to let it decide for u. setting priorities is like setting rail tracks for ur life path.

Life in US

coming to US was my decision that mom n dad supported unconditionally... they didnt have to but they trusted me to go ahead n get wat i thought i was looking for.. mom tried to warn me and she was practically rite.. but i knew y i was coming here.. didnt know how i'd adapt to it but knew tht i had to once.. break thru a shell n come here so tht i cud meet me for once... n honestly, i havent yet .. met me.. i m still not here. i thought i'd be with me here but no.. here, i m with a lot of the perceptions of me, a lot of expectations of me, lot more than wat i had come across back home. i dont have to be with these ppl but i do bcz i tell myself i m in a society. i dont wanna say 'yes' to several things i say yes to. i dont wanna be with certain ppl i be with. i dont wanna be stuck up with some things or ppl i m stuck up to. n i know i can break thru, but two things stop me. the fear of uncertainty n secondly, n more importantly, the fear of hurting someone i dont want to. its just one step to be free but then i dont know wat i'd be left with.

sometimes i hate these idiotic motivating sayings tht are supposed to inspire u to do stuff. bcz though they sound all right and apt, they turn u towards doing wat is "ideal and expected" insstead of wat is from ur heart n soul. we dont listen to our heart n soul ever under the excuse of surviving in the society.. i have a wild side to myself tht i constantly suppress bcz i worry wat the ppl around me r going to think or say abt me.

i came here to live life on my terms.. yeah rite.. i m doing the rite opposite.. n u bet, we all will all our lives for some stupid opinions tht might transiently bother us or not.

i love sitting in my library.. i m on my own here n wat ever i do here is nobody's business. nobody's poking nose drops in!!

My mind

i miss Dhara... i miss her a lot... she was like a part of my soul, still is ... to be honest i have had friends who have done a lot for me than she did or loved me more. taken care of me more... but hten somehow, love is something tht sees no reason or logic. i just loved her way too much to let her go, even from my mind.. i know i have begun to learn to live without her but hte thing is that she just springs up in my head once in a while n then i wonder y i even let her go or y she let go of me.. we were just the most amazing friends together n i havent loved someone so much other than mom n dad.. i miss her, i so do. i loved talking to her, doing things for her, listening to her, taking her to long drives, eating ice cream with her, going shopping with her. every possibel girl thing. may be i just got too indulgent when she gotinto her relationships. i was too possessive, i guess. n i certainly dont think its justified on my part but i also dont think tht it was a reason good enuf to end it all. i thought i really stood by her thru things n tht i was as indispensable for her as she was or is for me!!! never have found someone as close with whom i can experience tht comfort, love or care!! i guess its all from the mind, choices we make but something tht we shared makes her irreplaceable for me!!! wonder y we let go!!!