???

When will i ever find what i m truly looking for? will the search never end? will i never feel that i m finally moving towards it? will i always feel that i have in my hand what has been bestowed upon me? m i lost? m i even supposed to be in a direction where i m supposed to want something meant for me n actually get it? wat is that feeling? y can ti accept things the way they are? y cant i value the love beauty n grace that god bestows on me n be happy with it? y do i have an urge for this search? y do i have this never dying curiosity within me? m i supposed to leave everything n follow my heart in the direction of that search? or m i supposed to continue my lovable peaceful life n always onder in my head wat i have been yearning for? m i supposed to break a shell n step out of it or m i just suffering from a unnecessary feeling of discontent? i dont even know anymore wat to believe n who to listen to!!

internal adventures

As time passes and as experiences establish, I m becoming stronger on the inside but i m also going through an involution. I wanna say things but not to everyone anymore, sometimes not to even those that i know i can say these things to . i am afraid and scared of being misjudged and hurt. i am observing my pattern. i m ok with ppl seeing my happy side but the moment my unhappy side comes in i push ppl away n then i wonder how come i dont have anyone then. but its because i dont let anyone be then. i dont understand me ....

i cant live without ppl. i m afraid of losing them. i think too much. i do less when i know i should be doing more. i dont talk to the ppl i love n care for as often as i should eventhough i know i want to. i m a contrast into myself. i dont do anything i want to and do everything i dont want to. soemday i'll resolve the internal conflict and may be then i'll board on to a new set of internal adventure. looking forward to that!!!

i read

i read these thousands of things ppl write... their opinions, their interpretations, their research or watever it is... none of it is real. if we at some point assume that all matter is a manifestation of the thoughts possessed by humans and/ or other thinking creatures on the planet, then i m compelled to believe that all that really exists is "NOTHING"! n the rest of all that does not satisfy the domain of being "nothing" is a manifestation of thought, n hence, changeable- bcz thoughts constantly change as well as unreal- bcz thoughts are derivatives of events that we think occurred- but wat caused those event to occur was also a consequence of the thoughts.

there possibly could be a huge thinking consciousness that could be regarded as responsible for the mega manifestation of the gigantic universe.

but then wat is to it. we always look for sense or logic or understanding in what we do.. but is there any need of such am approach. y r things attempted to be understood. y dont we enjoy them just as they r, just the way they r in perception- although perception through the physical human senses is a directive towards perceptive thought n additional manifestation.

so if we sit silent, not only on the outside, but also on the inside, n just "be" without placing forward any intent of understanding, judgement or evaluation, we would be in proximity with the nothingness that the universe is comprised of n that would be the absolute reality, the only existent reality. we would be able to free ourselves from the meaning less banter that we fill ourselves with, incessantly, n for once be able to experience that nothingness- that wholeness- that oneness with the phenomenon we call the universe.

its an amazing feeling to be a part of this damsel beauty called universe- bcz it cud still be a multiverse- it has infinite layers to it- it has a mystery that is too obvious to be resolved n to obvious to not be missed!!

What my books never told me....

.... is that - "broken hearts are better than mended ones"... bcz the mended ones look up to life with hopes n expectations and the broken hearts know the truth- there's nothing to look forward to- life's a circle... its just gonna go round n round n we just wont realise....

i hate loosing friends.... n i guess i just cant stop doing that... they all just have to go away... some move, some get busy, some move on... everything...

why do we have to let these wonderful ppl go... for me, my biggest treasure is my people... but i guess i just get a li'l too attached to be able to let go.. n then it hurts....

sometimes it feels better to be numb n not feel at all... bcz someone said it right- Expectations Hurt!!!

i m tired of the fake laughs n the make to do happiness.... i want real friends in life n cant let go of the very few ones i have...

i know they are always there... a call away or at times a doorbell away.... but its just not the same as sipping coffee having those stupid meaningless conversations or having fun doing silly things together... bunking classes for a hot cup of kitli chai.... dancing silly at dumb songs... making stupid faces n so much more...

i know i dont lose any friends.... but i lose time with them... n that loss is unremittable...

"Love You from all my heart"- to all the ppl i called "friend"- bcz that word defines one of the most the beautiful relationship i have ever had....

When fighting with all your might is just not enuf!!!

I grew up being a fighter!!!

Not a ring fighter or a warrior but i was just the "non-violent" but super determined fighter in life- and by that i mean.. i never learnt to give up!!! if i wanted something with all my heart, n i always wanted things with all my heart... never knew what being half-hearted was all about... so when i wanted something, i would just not give up.. i would fight till the last breath.. fall n stand again.. break myself n heal back.. but not give up....

in kindergarden, my report read - "this girl demonstrates amazing perseverance" - i understood the meaning of the word may be ten years later but still had it in me when i could barely speak right...

my fav teacher at school hugged me hard when i ranked in the class - bcz she always said she saw this fire in me... she'd smile at me with pride.....

my prof at clg awarded me once, just for my "killer instinct"...

my mom would instill that belief in me that i could make it... just by saying that she knew i could make it...

how strong n how long was all that meant to be???

is it worth having the killer instinct??? do i still have it in me to go ahead n fetch every inch of my dream??? does it ignite me inside out? does it burn me to see me where i m n not where i want to be??? or did i learn to take life with a pinch of salt???

i m yet to find out...

when i left home to be a part of this world, everyone told me that its gonna be a struggle.... u are too soft to take it... n i was sure i was going out there.... just to face it!!!

m i still too soft to bear it all??? have i grown n m growing to be a part of it??? i m still to find out!!

i have made decisions- right or wrong is not an objective of interest to me... i m happy i just refused to stand there n watch.. n i have been at the stands watching too a lot of times.. i have had a share of both.. but has that led me to a goal or just led me off track.. i m yet to find out!!!

all i know deep in my heart is that God loves me n he's always there with me... n wherever he leads me i'll walk with him... bcz when u walk with DAD, u dont c where the road leads.... all that matters is that u have the most beautiful time with him...

so does it matter where life leads me.. i dont know but m i willing to make the most of every moment, no matter what!!! YES, certainly... n that is definitely something i have learnt after stepping into life!!!

I wonder...

i wonder why i came here... what made me think i was supposed to???

i was very happy comfortable in my shell back home, with all that i could have ever needed... my mom was right... i should have listened to her... stayed back n done what she thought was right for me....

but no, i had to think my own way- naive n stupid... "i'll do something great!!" yeah rite sure!!! go ahead, drown yourself...

when i read abt ppl n their accomplishments, even small ones, its a matter of envy but more so it adds my respect for them...

tonnes of ppl with no resources are driven enuf to make an everest out of a cube of ice... n me... they gave me the alps n i thought i'd make the everest n right now i c myself holding a cube of ice, n even that seems to be melting away...

ppl keep telling em i m wasting time/life.. but i dont listen.. i just want to enjoy.. each moment... sure y not??? wat else is the purpose of life.. but then wat i leave myself with is a purposeless future....

i cant give up bcz its not in my software... i wont withstand it.. bcz i m very flexible... i'll mold accordingly... but whether i'll be the ant/ the spider.. who doesnot give up n gains it all.. or whether i'll be the grasshopper... who hops around joyously forgetting all future n past, everhappy but in the winter dies of starvation...

i wont say time will tell... bcz it hardly has time to stop n tell... i'll say i dont know... n to be honest, i know that i will never know...

we will live like lab rats live in cages n be subject to experiments of all sorts... n just die when we are supposed to... n then one point or another thru that life we feel "i have accomplished!!" Rats feeling accomplishment in the lab.. sure!!! y not???

we just take birth n then after a while we die... all in the middle is just mere TIME PASS!!! dont know if its meant to be enjoyed by doing what u want to or what u think u should do... n if both are the same, i guess you found a good time pass!!

Back home & Wondering...

As i am here, back home, from the ten month long hiatus, mom asks me to go thru the stuff i left behind and get rid of everything i possibly wont need!!! she's always wanted to throw the clutter away but my covetous innocence in front of dad would lay a defense mom would find impossible to conquer!!

but now, once n for all, she gets to have things her way!!

so as i go thru my old stuff, with the beautiful reminiscences that they ignite, also comes a thought in the back of my mind - i would love to give this all away to kids, but where would i find them n would they like any of it? so i talk to shankar bhai, our housekeeper, if he knew any underprivileged , deprived children and in spite of willingness to help, he is pretty unsure where to look for such kids. i understand his situation, he is as asocial as i m.

so then i wonder if mom could take it to her govt hospital campus n give it to the children of her poor patients. she has done that so many times before, whether its her own things, dad's or mine!! she loves giving.. may be where me n dad got it from!!

she'd give away stuff to street children, children at the crossings, at the slums, at her hospital.. everywhere!!

n i wonder, now, that wat if wat she gave away was never used n just stayed there in a kids drawer or was just a part of the trash bin? then wudnt it be an injustice to the possible privilege of any other child who might have probably adored it?

but, to be honest, there are two things that dont stop making their way thru my head- one is that if we are here to give, then its for us to just 'give'; who are we to decided anyone's worthiness of deserving!!!

When did the sun, river, sea, wind, light, rain, land ever give out of worthiness- they said take wat u like- give wat u like, if u like!! how unconditional!!! the nature loves us and cares for us so unconditionally... n wat we do is- calculate, evaluate, judge, take, steal, snatch!! why n for wat???

wat of tht are we going to take away? wat did our ancestors take away with them, except the goodness in their heart??? why do we always save like rats and be selfish about!!! why cnt we ever regard another human as much a human as ourselves??? why do we have to categorise that person, put him on the ladder somewhere, higher or lower???

the other thing that made it thru my head was that - i feel immensely fortunate to be blessed with everything i have been!!! my parents, friends, relatives, bringing up, luxuries, childhood, education, experiences, teachers... every thing has been so blessed!!! so divine!! if i were outside me, there is no way i cudnt see that Divine hand in wat i have had, who i have been n wat i have become!!! i m not sure how much of it i have deserved.. how much of it i have worked for...

but one thing i know for sure that it has all been a part of my life bcz of God's love n the generosity of ppl who have been a part of my life!!!

Hence, i decided to give... give unconditionally.. without a thought of whether it'll reach the one who deserves it or not- for that, is a part of God's duty n discretion, n0t mine!!!